Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
You Might Also Like
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?