Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner