Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Natty or not?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available