Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
🤣🤣
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.