me working on my assignments ^-^
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I am a gravy boat captain
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Do you like vampires?
đźź© Nosferatu
âś… Yesferatu
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*