Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT