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wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Sheep
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Ah yes. The three genders
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.