I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The Struggle
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My biological clock is wheezing.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”