Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m already scared
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi