I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
But that’s none of my business
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
☺️
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”