I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Most fashion shows these days…
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL