surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”