Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.