Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
won’t smith
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.