PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.