psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Sunday
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
When ur friends with white people
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet