Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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The French word for sex is croissant.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
(Jupiter –
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Optional boss fight.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.