[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
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I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Yes my dude
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
sin harder.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.