HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.