Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.