Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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23. the denim jacket
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing