I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.