[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.