Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.