*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
how it started vs how it ended
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Midwest trash talk
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.