Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
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*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“and how does that make you feel?”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.