Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.