Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: