First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.