Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket