Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.