Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger