if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.