Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’