How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.