Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
don’t we all
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset