8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You Might Also Like
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.