*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You Might Also Like
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
why isn’t he texting back
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.