Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan