I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
You Might Also Like
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Based Erika
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee