(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.