My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I am crying
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?