I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I feel seen.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My purse is deeper than some people.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.