The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive