I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.