stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I feel this so hard
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)