i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.