I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?