me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am