I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
my dog when i have a friend over
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350